Pants 0. Shit 1.
and she was petting her beer can
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
