Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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