i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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