I wish my penis had an off switch
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
