Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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