the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
