i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
