my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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