Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize