I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
