Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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