Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
