At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
