Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
