U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I FOUND THE LEGS
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize