My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We need to get me chipped asap
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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