Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
