She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
