areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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