The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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