Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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