There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
