Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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