The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
last night I used snow as a chaser
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
