i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize