Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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