I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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