Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
