Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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