did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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