My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
