I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
