i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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