I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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