i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
