I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
