when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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