There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
