I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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