put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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