Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
50% drunk capacity currently
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
