my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
