I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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