I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
