My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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