you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize