i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We have started to decorate penises.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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