My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
A bitchslap is in order.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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