Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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