My first STD was from a foam party
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
