I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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