apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
