my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
