yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
