I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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