She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
