dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
