The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize