in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
