Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
