I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
